Today, I want to address something almost all brides bump up against. If the wedding planning process has taken a toll, and you’ve noticed yourself becoming upset – you’re going to want to dive into this.
Understanding Rejection: It’s Not Just You
Rejection is like an unexpected plot twist – it’s when you get a ‘no’ where you were hoping for or expecting a ‘yes,’ and when it pops up, has your head spinning like, ‘Wait, what just happened?’. For some reason, it’s not a subject a lot of people openly talk about but can spot a bride whose feeling is rejected in a Facebook Post that starts with, “Am I wrong” or “Was I being Selfish”?
Wedding planning, as exciting as it is, can also be discouraging – especially when our people aren’t as enthusiastic as we’d hoped. From a neurological perspective, rejection is what we feel when our brain interprets perceived disapproval or exclusion, which often triggers feelings of hurt, disappointment, or even sadness. No wonder the long face! It’s not just you, I know firsthand how unbearable rejection can feel due to something referred to as Rejection Dysphoria. To sum it up, I understand it is a disruptive manifestation of emotional dysregulation, a common but under-researched and often misunderstood symptom of ADHD, particularly in adults. Yay me. 🙂
I’m no expert, but I understand how Rejection Dysphoria can make planning even more overwhelming. Brides who share this may find that perceived slights or changes in plans trigger these strong emotional reactions more intensely, leading to self-doubt or hurt. This just means it’s even more crucial to have tools to manage these feelings.
It’s like a nervous system trigger when I even catch a whiff of rejection. It’s like a signal to overanalyze, self-criticism and question every good thing I know to be true about the people I love, including me. Yeah, girl, I experience this stuff too.
There’s a lot of layers to this complex emotion and not all of our experiences are similar. So, if my description sounds intense, that’s because it is.
To better understand how we experience rejection, build resilience, and support our well-being – becoming familiar with how emotions show up in our bodies is the first step. In the context of your wedding, rejection probably comes up like an unexpected guest. You might find out that your dream venue has no dates open, a no from a first-choice vendor, or a close friend saying they suddenly can’t make it. It might feel like a punch to the gut and often it just plain sucks. But that my friend has less to do with what has happened and more to do with what you believe it means.
The key to coping with rejection, especially while planning my wedding, has been to understand how my thoughts influence my emotions and to remember that they don’t always tell a true story. Then support myself by taking intentional action.
In most cases, that’s self-care.
The Science Behind Rejection
Our brains are natural storytellers, often crafting narratives based on past experiences. Let’s explore how these stories can impact your self-concept and understanding of rejection.
When we’re already feeling a little vulnerable, like when we believe people aren’t interested in our big day, our minds can spin tales that don’t serve us. If your past was particularly hard, maybe filled with the type of traumas that screw with your self-concept and ability to trust or rely on others, these stories can get ugly.
Yes, I’m talking about my brain. 🧠
Early in my wedding journey, I interpreted my husband’s lack of enthusiasm as a massive rejection and it led to a lot of confusion and unnecessary sadness. Every time he didn’t show excitement about my latest Facebook Marketplace wedding decor find, couldn’t care less about the music playlist, or showed disinterest in being involved, I felt a deep sting. But here’s where it get’s interesting!
Through introspection, self-coaching, self-care, and open communication, I discovered that he found the most meaning in contributing during the wedding weekend itself, and what I thought about his rejection wasn’t even close to the truth, in fact, a million miles from it. My hubster knew where and when I would need him most. He also knows himself and just assumed I’d expect him roles he’d be great in. Well, he was so, so right. This guy didn’t just follow through, he transformed into a wedding weekend hero, handling everything from cooking to chatting with guests, decorating to delegating and cleaning up the mess.
The rejection I felt was the result of past experiences, the essence of old wounds, and my uncommunicated expectations. This means those hurt feelings were caused by my assumptions. But through honest communication and understanding, I discovered that he simply had a different vision for how he’d contribute best. He ended up being my wedding weekend hero, and it taught me how important it is to communicate expectations, not just assume!
WOOED FOR LIFE!
Now that I shared one of the many examples of how rejection showed up in my wedding journey, it’s time to equip you with some tools so that you can build the resilience you need for yours.
Introspection: Your Ally in Coping with Rejection
Introspection can help you understand and cope with the emotions that rejection triggers but to do that, you’ve got to learn to listen to your body’s signals. When rejection bubbles up, one of your best allies is introspection. It’s like a mirror you hold up to your thoughts and feelings, allowing you to challenge those stories your mind is narrating.
- Start by recognizing how emotions feel in your body. Is it a tight chest, a lump in your throat, or a racing heart? Does your temperature rise or do your knuckles clench?
Pay attention because your body is a guidance system and offers clues that something isn’t quite right.
- Next, take a moment to pause. Inhale deeply, and exhale slowly. Give yourself the space to think. Even if that means you have to excuse yourself from a situation that might just go south any moment.
- Then, name how you feel. Are you sad, pissed, disappointed, or utterly confused? Remind yourself that regardless of what emotions you feel, all feelings are okay.
Once you’ve identified your emotions, draw your awareness to your thoughts. What are you telling yourself? Are you jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, or believing stories that may not be the whole truth?
Now, the magic really begins. ❤️❤️❤️
- Ask yourself some clarifying questions. Is this thought true, or is it just a story I’m telling myself? Does what I think about this fit the person and their history of treating me? Is this just something my brain offered up to explain this situation? Why might I be thinking this way? What else could it be?
By challenging our thoughts with gentle self-inquiry, we can gain clarity and, more importantly, find calm in the storm of rejection.
When I experience rejection and don’t take the time to name the feeling I’m experiencing, or take a step back and ask myself those crucial questions – I continue to feel pain. And if it’s never addressed, it builds and eventually comes out in a way that causes me to feel worse.
Do you see the puzzle coming together? Our feelings/emotions are directly correlated to the thoughts we repeat or believe. So if we aren’t checking in through introspection or self-inquiry, we’re allowing our mind to roam free. And that can be dangerous in an already high-emotion, stressful situation like I don’t know, planning a wedding.
So do you know how I’ve become more attuned, confident, and resilient? Practice.
Strategies for Self-Regulation: Practical tips to calm your emotions and challenge self-sabotaging thoughts.
Remember earlier when I was explaining how rejection feels for me? For the longest time, I was completely oblivious to what was happening. I’d often point the finger at others or myself, further fueling an already deeply wounded self-concept. But in the last several years, I’ve developed practices that bring me back to calm during emotionally charged moments, preventing me from getting entangled in unchecked thoughts and spiraling out of control.
If you’re like me and could use a lifeline during moments like these, shall we say “challenging moments, keep reading because I’m about to share some practical techniques that can make a significant difference.
Tip 1: Take A Walk
When any powerful emotion strikes, it’s helpful to have a “go-to” self-regulation practice. Something that feels nurturing to our nervous system so that we don’t get caught up in the fight-flight, fawn, or freeze response or get lost in unhelpful thoughts.
My go-to is taking a walk and here’s why –
- When we walk, the rhythm of our steps help to center our thoughts.
- The fresh air and change of scenery can uplift our mood and don’t even get me started on our senses!
So next time you notice those heavy emotions bubble up and you head outside:
- Take a few deep, intentional breaths, and focus on the sensation of each step.
- Notice what’s around you – the sights, sounds, and smells.
- Let your mind just wander and begin to process the situation.
- If you notice yourself getting upset, focus back on your senses and what feels good at this moment.
It’s all about getting you out of your head and into your body, wrapped up in a more nurturing moment. By the time you’re back in the house, it’s hard not to already be in a calmer, more centered state. Hurray! 🎉
Tip 2: Thought Work
Managing your mind is a powerful tool. You’ve already learned the importance of self-inquiry, a living example of how I do it, and now we’re going to turn it into an actionable journaling activity. So, if you’ve been faced with challenging feelings like ‘ahem’ rejection, get your pen and notebooks ready!
- Set the Scene: Find a quiet and comfortable space where you aren’t easily going to be interrupted. Think comfort: light a candle, play some music, or set up your environment in a way that puts you at ease.
- Reflect on Your Feelings: Now it’s time to start naming your emotions. We already have rejection but what else are you feeling? Is it disappointment, frustration, or sadness? Describe what you feel, and where you feel it if you can recall, and write it down.
- Form a Sense of Awareness: What thoughts are you having about how you are feeling? What took place specifically and what thoughts were the result? Basically, what are you currently thinking or believing about it?
- Challenge Your Thoughts: Recall those introspective questions we discussed earlier. Notice which of those thoughts you just listed are causing you distress and then ask yourself questions, “Is this true?” Be honest with yourself.
- Explore Alternatives: Go beyond the surface by asking questions like, “Why might I be thinking this way? Is this a pattern for this person, could I be missing something?:.This is all about considering other perspectives and possibilities.
- Find a Better Feeling Thought: The last thing I’d suggest is taking a moment to uplift yourself. Thoughts directly create our feelings and our feelings influence the type of actions we take. So if we feel awful, we might not challenge the validity of our thoughts, we’re more likely to argue accuse, or bottle up our emotions. If we instead, find a better feeling thought, one that we know for sure is true, we could literally in moments, begin to to feel better. So, ask yourself questions like, “What do I know without a doubt is true? In what ways has this person made me feel the opposite of rejected? What thoughts about this might help me to feel better?” This is your chance to shift your perspective and choose a thought that fills you with positivity and hope.
Through self-coaching practices like this, you’ll nurture well-being, build up your bridal resilience, and cultivate a mindset that allows you to see far beyond your current feelings.
Tip 3: Lean on Your Support System
Self-help is great but in the words of Ringo Starr, “We get by with a little help from our friends” so, find strength in your support system. Thinking of your closest friends, family, or your partner, who can you lean on for emotional support? Go to the people in your life with a proven track record of showing up and being there to celebrate the highs and help you navigate the lows.
Then, just talk.
By taking the initiative to share your thoughts and feelings with others you open yourself up to new perspectives and hopefully some much-needed reassurance. So, express yourself. Tell them how you feel. Let them in on the story of your rejection and let them shine a little light on what else it could be. Don’t bottle up your feelings because you don’t want to burden them.
Yeah, I know how we do. Our brains, as beautiful as they are, are equally weird.
Tip 4. Hire a Professional
My first three tips focused on self-regulation, self-coaching, and reaching out to your support system, but what about when your emotions are just too intense? If you’re having a hard time with this and just can’t shake the feeling, seeking help from a professional can be exactly what you’ve been looking for.
Just like hiring a talented wedding planner can transform your vision into reality, enlisting the support of a therapist, counselor, or coach can do wonders for your emotional well-being. They possess the expertise to help you navigate the complexities of rejection and can talk to you about tools that build emotional resilience.
If you’re more inclined to go the self-help route solo, I highly suggest you check Byron Katie’s process for self-inquiry and read her book “Loving What Is’ because it’s incredible. She offers a simple tool that helps us to challenge our thoughts and beliefs, which could change the way you perceive and handle rejection. It’s a process I often use for myself and clients and you can find her tool here: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie
Whew, we did it. If you made it through this entire blog, you better understand how rejection feels for you, can identify when it shows up, and have the tools at your disposal to get through those challenging moments in one piece when it does! The strategies I shared might have felt like a lot, so to begin, try just one. Start with the tip that seems easiest to reach for. Then, when you can, take it to the next level.
Remember, rejection isn’t often what it seems to be. Using introspection, self-regulation, connecting with your support system, and, when needed, seeking out help from a professional, are ways you can help yourself through this so that you feel better. After all, it’s how you feel that matters most. If you’ve found this post resonates with you and you’re seeking personalized support to navigate the complexities of wedding planning, I invite you to schedule a coaching consultation with me. Feel free to reach out through socials or send an email to amy@alifecoachforbrides.com to take the next step in your journey to a joyful and resilient wedding planning experience.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, if societal expectations have you stressed, let’s talk. If you want tools to manage your emotions AND a wedding journey that reflects the life you truly want, it’s what I do best. Click here to book a free consultation and let’s transform your wedding journey
